writing a future indeed

holy shit he's on

2006-05-05T01:07:00.000-07:00

so after a god damned long time i'm writing again... no internet go fig... so i was checking all my comments because its been so long and holy shit are people fucking psyco skitz no she has her issue's and even though shit's gone bad there one day we might even be able to be friends again we both just hurt each other so much getting divorced before anything worse happend was the best thing for both of us and i think she's happier for it now but then again what the fuck would i know i haven't talked to her in months... but i wish her the best... but everyone else except ancient wings holy shit... look if you can't fucking come out and say who you are and hide in the dark your words will never mean shit and they just make me laugh. yes i know i hurt her she hurt me. shit happens i hope one day my x-wife will forgive me for my transgretions when she's able to and one day i hope i'll be able to do that for her right now i'm pretending like it never happend... and that's all there is to it... whats new... hmmmm...

well i was in a relationship for like a few months there i so fucked that one up.. but shit happens me and the chick are still friends and that's cool we just didn't work as a couple but she was an awesome fuck...

right now i'm with my roommates oldest sister k back story my roommate harr is the oldest of 8 children and there's only two boys in that "little" family the rest are all girls god help them all.. smiles... this started about two months ago... after me and my last girl friend broke up after the divorce. ok so here we go... so i had come home from my friend seans place i'd spent the week looking for work and had gotten the job at discover card and would start in april so i came home completly fucking happy. because i just scored a job with benifits from day one in training and making 11 dollars an hour plus commission you can't beat that well i can't fuck you.. anyways.. i get home his oldest sister shirley comes over to spend weekends at his place she's tweenty three an awesome chick to hang out with none jugemental fun to talk to cool as hell. over all a real good friend. she comes over to spend the weekends with my self harr daniel and jason. harr daniel jason been friends for ever dan and harr have known each other for 11 years there like bro's well 6 years ago dan and shirley dated only lasted two weeks but she came up to him at the end of that and told him hey look i think we just make better friends i just don't have those type's of feelings for you. and then his younger brother russell and shirley ended up getting together. shit happens well of coarse shit goes bad between rus and shirley and dan ends up hatting his brother because dan is madly in love with her. that ended up going to blows after like four years of built up bullshit. well for the last 6 years every year dan asks her will you go out with me and ever year she tells him no i just want to be friends i see you as a brother. and this continues and continues now to the present.

so that weekend i get back home she over there we're all just goofing off and its almost sunday well me harr and shirley end up watching a movie together harr goes to bed me and shirley are on the floor i pass out and then i guess she passed out next to me i wake up the next day kinda confused becuase i just woke up with shirley but i shrug it off.. well i notice that dan isn't his normal happy go lucky self he seems kinda pissed. so me and him end up talking and he tells me well when i saw you to together i wasn't pissed off at you or her i was pissed off it wasn't me. understandable he loves her. well it didn't mean anything to me we just fell asleep. she goes home well that monday or tuesday me and harr pick her up for work. and she's looking kinda sad we get back to her place and walk in harr goes to talk to there mom she goes down to her room and i follow her down we get into her room and i ask her hey are you ok is there something wrong. well she confides in me that this is her last weekend off she wants to spend it with her family at my place and well she can't becuase its dan's weekend off from her to get his head straght well you know i tell her look your harr's sister my friend jason's friend and sis and dans best friend if you talk to him he'll say its ok she tells me she can't do that becuase that's taking to much and he needs time on his own away from her so i'm all ok. and i leave the next day trying to be a good friend i talk to dan about it tell him whats going on so on and so forth and basicly tell him what to say. full intentions on getting them together becuase there great when there together they honestly are if you just saw them together you would honestly think they where married or some type of couple. anyways he picks her up thursday and tells her on friday he's going to kidnap her after work becuase its her last weekend off he's happy she's happy. friday rolls around he goes to pick her up i wanted to get out of the house he tells me to come with i go with we pick her up go get her cloths go to the store by food for the weekend go home he goes to bed he'd been working all day me and her stay up watching movies all night i pass out about six on the floor she ended up passing out too. next day wake up dan's in his room playing games pissed i'm freaking out cause that's twice now i'm freaking out cause of how bad it looks. so i go into his room and i ask hey man you ok he tells me no not really so i tell him hey look lets go to a movie just me and you we'll get out and have some fun fuck everyone else he tells me no so i tell him i wasn't asking we're going to a movie simple as that well nine rolls around we go see the last showing of chicken little we get out we bull shit he's feeling better i'm feeling better everything's cool we bull shit as we go home we get home and there's only one other person at the house shirley so its me shirley and dan and kinda just standing there she's over by the couch talking to me i'm talking with dan trying not to look at her keep my eye's on dan keeping her in my perifieals and finaly to brake the ice tell dan dude lets watch a movie he says yea why not they sit up on the couch dan puts in hitchhikers guide i grab my blanket lay down on the floor by my self and fall asleep with dan and shirley on the couch yes free and clear nothing can happen becuase i went to bed by my self leaving the two of them alone. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee wrong. i wake up the next morning my one hand in her pants the other hand in her shirt snuggled up to her. going what the fuck. compelty freaked out trying to figure out how the fuck everything happend i look up dan's in his room door shut he's playing video games and i can feel the tension in the house mounting already. so i get up grab jasons car keys tell him i'm going to go get a coke he says cool me and i wake her up to come with me we get out to the car and i ask her what the fuck. she tells me well i wanted to sleep with you again i like how you cuddle with me. (slaps self in head. with a baseball bat repeaditly) why i asked. and she can say is i don't know. so we pull up to the gas station i look at her and tell her. look your a great fucking person your awesome to hang out with and if it wasn't for a few things i proably would date you. she tells me ok what things. (sighs and hits him self again) well first off your brother harr. not that big of a proablem but i'd have to ask his permission and only if it was ok with him would i be able to. she says ok while smiling. next not that it is a proablem and i commend you for it becuase its so hard to find one of your kind these day's your a virgian and i'm a nympho the two don't mix one of two things would happen if we got together i'd end up fucking you. but becuase i know your waiting for marriage which is fucking awesome. i'm not getting married again and if i do it'll be after ten stright years with one person with no off and on bull shit five years where me and the person live in different places and then five years living together then after that if shit's still good we'll get married me and the person. so i'd have to be aloud to fuck other people and that's not fair in a relationship where the other person wont fuck another person so that's another reason why it wouldn't work. and she says ok and smiles.(slaps self again) and third dan he's my friend and i don't want to hurt him. and right as i say that she sighs. so i say what. its his own fault i've told him repitaldy for the last six years i don't see him that way but he just doesnt get it i don't want him and i like you so why can't i be with you.. (brakes out his knife and begains to slit own wrists and this point) look i understand that so before anything could happend he'd have to be over compelty... she sighs and says thats not fucking fair (mind you shirley isn't the swearing type) he shouldn't have any say in who i'm with i want you i don't know why i want you but i do you make me laugh and feel good about my self and i like that about you.. so why can't we at least try.. so i tell her look i have to talk to a friend and get there opinion and find out what they say she's the only one that owuld know how to handle this sitiuation . so i get home i call up ma petite ange de sang and she come's over in ten minutes we go out we talk and she tells me walk away if you don't want everyone to get hurt becuase that's whats going to happen..

part two next time i get on i'm so fucking tired i haven't slept in two days and i'm out of belladonna. so yea...

nothing going on anymore

2005-06-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

so right now completly unemotion go figure like anything's really changed for me to be me i'm just going to need to set back and let things happen however the people around me want them to happen but while that is happening i'm going to get another job going to get more pay going to get more hours going to do what i need to. to do what it is i need to do take care of me more money = happier life in the long run won't be easy at first but hey what ever happens happens and if the people around me can't tell i'm doing this for them then tough shit in support it or get out of the way but it would be nice to be supported instead of questioned all the time that would be a change although questioning doesnt bother me its when its over almost everything i do and after wards ends up you lied to me i just don't give a fuck anymore is anything really worth two peoples pain so deep it's not really funny go figure

so i'm sick of seeing all the shit happen and hit the fan 24/7 its annoying as hell especaily whens its about me voicing my opionion or the other person voicing there's i'm so sick and tired right now i'm sick becuase i'm depressed and have nothing to call my own or is it call ours what ever her's mine not really ours we can't even have a checking account together becuase it's more convienient that way what the fuck shakes head no more bitching just makes me feel not trusted so how can i trust someone i don't feel trusts me simple i can't not with those things anyway so i'll take care of my shit she can take care of her's because apparently that's the way she wants it got to go find the bill's now like i have a clue where there at

time to go to bed and sleep away the day if not get my job one or the other probaly the job and if i get hired today i can put in my two weeks and get the fuck out of the shit hole i'm in now i've gained at least 10lbs while sitting on my ass at this fucking place

stabbing pain

2005-06-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up today completly depressed and don't know why its been awhile sense this has happend and I don't know why the only way i can explain it is through two songs

Every thing I touch I brake
by stabbing westward

The more I feel
The more I die
Nothing to give
Nothing inside
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
I scratch and tear
Until it bleeds
I do not want
I only need
I only need
I only need
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
How can I hold on (dog attack)
Back when you were my life
You gave me something that I could live for
Now everything’s changed
And you’re gone
But I’m still here waiting

I don't belive
by stabing westward

I'm such an asshole
I'm such a stain
I just keep fucking up again and again
You crawled inside my mind when you
crawled into my bed
Said eveything I've ever longed to hear
So perfect, so alive, once inside you
sucked me dry
used me up and left me here for dead
I crave it desparately, a cancer eating me
An addiction to intense to be denied
Worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more
Pathetic how i feed off this abuse
You told me that you loved me
I believed you loved me
You swore that you loved me
And I believed, now I know it was a lie
(Chorus)
I don't believe
I don't believe
That I could be so stupid so naive
I don't believe
I don't believe
That there is nothing, nothing
left for me

I don't know why I feel this way all the sudden it really doesnt make sense with me at all I mean I feel happy but I know I'm depressed I can feel it. All I want to do right now is sit down get my bottle of vodka and drink and talk with someone that sounds so good right now and I don't know why

All I feel right now is a great darkness wieghing down on me
a feeling of pain long forgoten of remorse and sadness
an awakening of dispear
bitterness driving me insain
lonely growing cold nothing behind the mirror
a soul striped of all even what it is
noone knows what it truely means to feel cold
where's the heat of pleaseure
the hight of sensation
the tension of skin careasing the utmost fantasy of warmth
I must find my self again

What's The Point

2005-05-12T01:49:00.000-07:00

All the Wife and I do now is Fight Sleep and have Sex yea thats a great relationship shure the Sex is great and all and the Sleeping is nice too but it's normaly in that order Once in awhile we like to change it up but thats about it we're trying to get into marriage counselling for alot of issue for example my wife's ability to blow the smallest thing out of proportion then turn it in to WW3 at a drop of a hate with all the anger and hostilness to boot and i'm lack of attention span
i dont like the fact that i feel she treats me like i child and when i say something about it she blames everything on me when i'm not trying to blame anything just trying to talk about it but in her mind i'm saying everything is her fault when she's the one that gets verbly violent and when we try to talk about something inportant to me she's all the sudden forgot about it but if its important to her god for bid i should ever do such a thing the fact that she calls her car her's not our's when we both take care of what ever we can on payments to take care of each other not one or the other so these are the things i feel should stop i'll start with my self

list for david
1.be more attentive to detail
2.be able to be more understanding of
someones emotions even if they
dont make sense
3.be able to realizize what the word no means
4.be able to be more there for her yet at the same time
still have time for my self as well
5.being able to relize my limits before it
gets to the point of yelling
6.be able to voice what i feel is true
yet still be able to listen to the other sides
opinon on the matter and even if i disagree
with it not to tell her she's wrong
i think that really covers the things i notice about my self an the things i've been working on after noticing them

misty's list
1.the mood swings i under stand she's bi-polor and she's going to have them
i'm bi-polor and i have them but there has to be away to control the angery one's
becuase when you get that way i dont want anything to do with you becuase
you really do treat me and everyone around you like shit
unless you know there's someone around that you cant get away with it i've noticed
2.your nagging over the tinnest thing yes i realize it drives you nuts but if its so bad if you notice that i'm on the run going to work or doing something esle you do it i'm not saying you have to or anything like that just stop bringing it up and if you do start doing that i'll start making sure the ketchen is in better shape
3.the term mine/your's has to stop there is no more mine and yours its ours when you are married everything is shared when you say i'm sorry no thats mine your really being a controling bitch with an attitude and trying to get back at the person for something normaly namly me it really is fucking annoy but you have been really getting a good hang on this one thank you so much in all actualality it makes me feel like i have nothing and my response to that is well if i have nothing why should my money go to nothing you might find that fucked up but i find the words mine and yours fucked up
4.if i was going to fuck someone else i would of done it while you where treating me like shit
i have no reason to have sex with someone else i love you and i wouldnt hurt you like that
5.your low self esteem i'm with you becuase i love you and your beutiful
6.i cant think of anything for this one yet but this is what i've come up with so farif you see this and get angry and it really pisses you off its time to end the relationship but if you see this and think and say ok and even if it does piss you off and you dont understand it try to there's nothing wrong with that but i'm sick of the arguemtns and i'm sick of feeling like shit becuase i cant say something because it's going to piss you off and i'm sick of feeling like i have to walk on egg shells half the time and god forbid anyone else dies that you know i dont think our relationship could take it i really dont but i also think that if we start working on the shit i was talking about in the above lists i think we'll be fine i love you so much and i really want this to work but its going to take both of us and its going to be hard work esspecaly when we really dont get to see each other at all
but i know shit will work out if we both try but its up to you

the way i've been feeling for the most of my life all in songs

2005-04-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

DROWN
Good morning day. Sorry I'm not there.But all my favourite friends,Vanished in the air. It's hard to fly when you can't even run. Once I had the world, but now I've got no one. If I needed someone to control me. If I needed someone to hold me down. I would change my direction. And save myself before I drown drown.Good morning day Sorry you're not here. All those times before. We're never this unclear. It's hard to walk when you can't even crawl. Once I had this world, but now I've lost it all.

HOME
I'll be coming home. Just to be alone. Cause I know you're not there. And I know that you don't care. I can hardly wait to leave this place. No matter how hard I try. You're never satisfied. This is not a home. I think I'm better off alone. You always disappear. Even when you're here. This is not my home. I think I'm better off alone. By the time you come home. I'm already stoned. You turn off the TV. And you scream at me. I can hardly wait. Till you get off my case. No matter how hard I try. You're never satisfied.

LET YOU DOWN
Trust meThere's no need to fear. Everyone's here. Waiting for you to finally be one of us. Come down. You may be full of fear. But you'll be safe here. When you finally trust me. Finally believe in me. I will let you down.

OVERRATED
Worn out and faded. The weakness starts to show. They?ve created the generation. That we know. Washed up and hated The system moves to slow. They give us answers, To questions they don?t even know. You made itYou played itYour shit is overrated. You made it. You played it. Your shit is overrated. Used up and jaded. You're thinking way to slow. So we're creating. Answers on our own. We can't relateTo what you think you know. you createThe problems that will never Go away.

TAKE ME UNDER
Now it seems I'm fading All my dreams are not worth saving. I've done my share of waiting. And I've still got nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way. Seems you're wanting me to stay. But my dreams would surely waste away. And I still have nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way. Now it seems you're leaving. But we've only just begun. And you've still got nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way.

THE LAST FEW SONGS WHERE WRITEN AND PERFORMED AS FAR AS I KNOW BY THREE DAYS GRACE AND THEY HAVE ALL COPY RIGHTS TO THEM SO YEAH...

COMA BLACK
My mouth was a crib and it was growing lies. I didn't know what love was on that day. my heart's a tiny bloodclotI picked at it. it never heals it never goes away. This was never my world you took the angel away. I'd kill myself to make everybody pay. This was never my world. you took the angel awayI'd kill myself to make everybody pay. I would have told her then. she was the only thing. that I could love in this dying world. but the simple word "love" itself. already died and went away.

COMA WHITE
Something is cold and blank behind her smile. She's standing on an overpass. In her miracle mile. "You were from a perfect world. A world that threw me away today. Today to run away". A pill to make you numb. A pill to make you dumb. A pill to make you anybody else. But all the drugs in this world. Won't save her from herself. Her mouth was an empty cut. And she was waiting to fall. Just bleeding like a polaroid that. Lost all her dolls. "You were from a perfect world. A world that threw me away today. Today to run away".

THESE WHERE WRITEN BY MANSON SO YEAH

BEAT IT UP RIGHT
I'll behave Oh my God, make me beg, my God! Yes I'm ready for a good flogging baby (my God) (get down). Come on ream my ass for fun (get down/my God/get down). Don't let up till my ass is bleeding baby (my God) (get down). Don't let up until you are done (get down, on the ground)

Bottled Up Inside

It ain't fading Man I gotta let it outAm I crazy? Screaming nothing ever comes out. I keep feeling lost. I'll never find my way out. I'm not thanking them. Unless the truth can pour out

CAMELTOSIS
I should have known it from the start what I was in for. She break a tin full,she copied, we exchanged some info. Called her on the tele, conversations were simple,ain't playin' games, my game, retain the tempo. And things, no shame, two sparks turned into flames,Nimpho's in the park, just dancin' in the rain. Hook me with this fix, and look to drain my aim,Some never retain what wouldn't suck from your veins. You see this time, I cannot ever never love another, cunt. You'll drink as slow, love twice and you'll get fucked. You see this time, I cannot ever never love another, cuntYou'll drink as slow, love twice and you'll get fucked. She's the epitomy of sweet misery,The sweeter the stroke, the deeper the pain given. There's an angel, angle sex-driven. Dangerous sex kitten, warm as a mitten. Fittin' like a glove, with abstract relations,Testin' all my patience, push comes to shove. Emotional masturbation, fuckin' with my love,Fuckin' with my life, fuckin' all the above.

MY GIFT TO YOU
Laying by my precious Not long ago Hiding behind the shadows Of your broken soul Why is it always you want something you can never have? Why did you you try to tell me? How could you be this way. Your throat, I take grasp Can you feel the pain? Then your eyes roll back Can you feel the pain? Love racing through my veins Can't you feel the pain? Your heart stops beating Can't you feel the pain Black orgasms Can't you feel the pain I kiss your lifeless skin Can't you feel the pain. There you are my precious With your broken soul Rubbing my crotch, elated Taking control Why is it always You fuck up something you have always had Why'd you try to tell me How could you be so cold? Here I am, just a man Feeling the pain, gives me life Relieving us is my plan I'd do anything to see through your eyes. Just to see through your lies.

TOUCHED
When I touch you... feeling your skinWhen I touch you... deep withinI'll break your silence on your way to meI will make you everything you want to beWhen I touch you...You know that you'll love it... you'll need it...For sure...I'm drawing your lines with my handsI'm weaving the dream that never endsI don't play hide and seek... with you... dearWhen I touch you...Aiming fingers searching secret pleasuresRoaming where your river seems so deepYou know I'm going onI like the song you'll sing... for meWhen I touch you...You know that you'll love it........And when tension's spilling down your skinLove will never be what she once wasWhen I touch you...

CLOSER STILL
the watery light that mirrors in your desirable eyes the way you move your lipswhile talking to somebody else i move a little closer just to hear what you say you speak of loneliness but here's a soul adoring you it's a wounded heart it breaks in two and in it's pain it sings for you it's a wounded heart that feels afraid moves closer still fulfills its fate your freedom's poverty that you do not recognize the way you stalk the night while talking to somebody else i move a little closer just to know who you are a slightly glowing ember i'm the breeze igniting you your smile incredibly sweet that's what i cannot bear i seek the friendly water anything to sooth my desire you're moving out of my night and there will be no dawn all that could have been remains with me internally lost

THESE ONES WHERE DONE BY WOLFSHIEM

The dawn that would never come

2005-03-18T01:14:00.000-08:00

So I've been just sitting at work again bored out of my mind so I popped on some music on launch cast (no this isn't a free cheap pop for launch cast) and was listening to the portishead station and it brought back so many old memories that I really haven't thought about for a few years now and I've come to the realization that I was a very very very not nice person and that's really sugar coating it I've fucked so many people in my life I've cut people I used to hang out with all the time competly out of my life on more then one occasion I live my life like it's all one big dream its all just a daze for me every one (with a three exceptions and two of which I wished werent.) I've ever fucked I was the type of person that would go to a party ditch the people I came with go have sex with some chick I just barely met five minutes ago before she got drunk then after two hours of that tell her how bad she was and that I've had better walk out with a smile go find my friends and do it again not once ever feeling bad about it and I still don't. Don't get me wrong the only thing I feel bad about is not feeling anything once again noticing how much I think of me and no one else there's really a lot of that with me and being married its hard for me because I'm not used to thinking of two just one I'm always thinking about how I can better me and not us what's best for me and not the hole honestly if I could get a job for $13 an hour with or with out benefits and it was half way around the world damn right I would go which isn't really right but that's just me somethings never change I guess still thinking of my self as one not two there's so many things I want and don't know how to say it so I say nothing just like in arguments I don't argue why should I there's no point be the time the argument has started both sides have made up there minds so why say anything I personally like to agree with the other person one reason if you agree with the other person seeing there view it does two things one pisses them off because you don't care if there right and second keeps the damn thing from lasting more then ten minutes. Besides why argue doesn't solve anything yelling only makes things worse. So I either do or don't everything to me has always been black or white I either like you or you've pissed me off and don't get forgiven that's just it there is no forgiveness never has been or will be I've tried it too much and had it back fire my father my ex-fiancee you learn forgiveness isn't worth being hurt more then once being emotionally closed off and all you tend not to let people in as it is and when you do they fuck you over they might as well of just killed you would of hurt less so why fuck around I do try to be a very up front person but there's just some things I cant talk about but things I've learned about my self I no longer can actually hate anyone anymore there's no point I only have one life why hate a person cause they fucked me over now that doesn't mean I'm buddy buddy with a person if they fuck me I basically cut them out of everything now here's the issue I have I've noticed I've started doing that to my closest friends and they have done nothing to cause such an isolation from them why do I do it then that's whets been on my mind I just get so wrapped up in all my stupid little dilemma's that I just cant or wont (take your pick) call on them for moral or emotional support with my life for then I would be week and if that's the case whets the point I shouldn't be around them anyways who wants someone constantly haying them down but I've always been the type of person that takes care of everyone around me in one way or another its just the way I've always been and you don't fuck with that it'll cause world war 3 but as I was saying before I don't like someone it stays that way unless they can make a amends which that's something they have to figure out how to do its not something that can be explains but I will always give a person the benefit of the doused but only if they've shown they really would like me around besides if someone honestly bucks you why would you want to be around a person like that or if they don't like you why would you want to be around that either doesn't make sense to me so fuck them and anyone else that disagrees because that's just the way it is and always will be pray for the children I tell you prey for the children oh and ting love yah lots my new email add is jeanclude2@gmail.com and my old one is jeanclude2@yahoo.com go fig drop me a line on one of those I've been trying to get hold of yah but your never on when I am but I did get to read your post so give me a buzz or something by maw all

darkstar

2005-02-09T01:34:00.000-08:00

A few days ago a ran into my ex-girlfriend who I haven't seen in almost a year someone I'm still very close to at heart even if we haven't seen each other in awhile we still know each other very well my life is so devoid of happiness yet noone knows at all nore do they care I help out when I can but that's it no one really needs me around all I really have any more are the most cherished memories on my mind which oddly enough is my sense of feeling the wind blowing on my skin the vibration of a whisper in my ear the soft voice of an angel I never see I miss a life that was never mine a life I'll never get another chance at like the song says "the sweetest price he'll have to pay the day the whole world went away."
all I have to say is if you really want me around ma petite just ask I'll always be there my love

sincerely
your sweet prince
Anthony Dark-Star

Unknown

2005-01-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

Been awhile since I wrote last really haven't had that much to say just been wondering around in my head for the last little while not to share what to think for the last few weeks though I've just felt considerably lost as though I just don't know who I am anymore maybe its the hole marriage thing that's the only major event that's really changed anything in my life I just feel as though I've lost something inside something I used to have but the more I think about the more I realize I've felt this way for awhile shits just changed so much and now everything starting to slow down and catch up to me i just dont feel like me any more like i just cant be me and its not because of anyone or anything i miss who i used to be but at the same time i dont regret anything i've done in the last year i just dont get it at all welcome to my depression

Life in the new year

2005-01-02T01:42:00.000-08:00

I like to think in the new year things will be different things will change and always for the better but in all actualality its always the same same old fight same old life same old same old no matter really what you do at all its always the same its all how you learn to deal with it I guess there's not very much though this year I would like to change except how much money I make but hey that's everyone even billionairs would love to change how much money they make the only thing I would like is to make more then 16,640 gross a year before taxes not after before sighs shit if I wasn't married I'd be fucked right now and the bad kind not the good kind.. Sighs..
modern day America has turned out to be more of a depression then most people realize unless your making at least 28,000 by your self you cant even afford to make rent unless you live with someone else god fobid divorce.. Shrugs.. Who knows maybe things can change again and we'll be able to have one parent home taking care of the children while the other works unless they want to work a full or part time job at someone can be there for the kids

what about me

2004-12-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

i dont understand why but i hate david i hate him with a passion
but yet i must i feel take care of him
i myself his other half
must take care of him thus taking care of myself
to hate him
i guess what i am saying is i hate my self
he's everything i have ever despised
yet i have to take care of him
no one else is allowed to hurt him but me no one alowed to kill him but me
thus killing my self
the ultimate form of suicide go figure
now maybe i can get past it and start rebuilding my self slowly but surely
that would be nice
really nice
i have decided
i except my fate as it is
and i'm ok with it
and i'm happy
so fuck the dumb shit
lets take care of me now
fuck everyone else
and i do mean everyone

Darkstar

bitching again

2004-12-14T08:49:00.000-08:00

life with no luck
seems to be all there really is anymore
everyone wants something but
really no one is really doing anything to get it
and the ones that are doing it or at least trying to
dont get the reward
and then there are the select few who always
no matter what they do in there life will never
lose no matter how much trouble they get in
with all that said is there really a point to anything.
do i mean to say that in some odd way
there are people who no matter what will always succeed
people who will always fail
and people who with only just make ends meet
i'll forever be one of the people who just make ends meet
and why is that
whats so different between myself
and the ones that will always succeed
other then the obvious success they have had that i have not
is it back round

touch

2004-12-14T08:47:00.000-08:00

Feelings felt that
shouldnt be
your eye's and the
feel of your skin still
attacht to me
never known before now.
oh how sweet you look
your body the color of
milk the tast of
fruit on your skin
the chance to be
the chance for me
let me see what
ive missed.
lips touched an embrace felt
never so sweet
this just cant be
a heart thats never
beat. flow so openly
finaly a chance to
see all the things ive
missed let this be
the wall comes down
a brick at a time
slowly and softly
touched the fear
builds the feelings
surpressed being blocked
please let me see
what ive missed
my hand in yours
our bodies embrace
your first my last
things felt that cant be
never felt this passionate
about anyone
before now
my corruption taking place
please let me see what ive
missed your love building
fast a place in a heart
thats never lasted over a beat
so many things ive feared to say
ask me the right questions so that i may

-Darkstar

2004-12-14T08:45:00.000-08:00

Feel your pain
True and alive
Keep it inside of you
Let it out
Feel it wrap around your body
Feel it uncoil
Take enjoyment in it
Feel with it
Commune with it
Hold it inside your body
Take the pain you hold inside of yourself
Let it out
Breath in deep
darkness swells around us
Feel the cold
wrap it around you like a blanket
Feel the wall it puts up
See it for what it is
A great wall of nothingness for that is what you are becoming
Nothingness as a hole
Nothingness as a being
You shall feel nothing
And rejoice only in the pain of others
This is the place I come from
Were pain is great and love is just another way to bleed
-Dark Star

known

2004-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

My pain to be herd by all
The extension of life to be clear
My life to be read
My feelings never to be seen
The emptiness of it all left to me
Never knowing what I am
How can I be if no one knows me?
Why am I me, when there is no me to be known
If all that I am wastes away what am I?
Nothing, nothing can be seen
Nothing can be herd
Nothing can be done
Leave well enough alone
to get all the same results
Try to change only to make things worse
Who am I, but that which has made me

-Darkstar

2004-12-14T08:41:00.000-08:00

My sins coming to haunt me.
I feel the darkness dwelling inside.
Trying to get out again.
I want to be my self again.
I used to be Cruel, vindictive, cold, and calculating.
the ability to look someone in the eye’s as they die.
and smile with pleasure.
that it was me that took there being away from this misery known as life.
I miss the killer I was.
I miss the pain I caused.
I miss the spark that was inside me.
and now it wants out again that darkest part of my soul.
I feel it curl inside of me like a great beast trying to claw out of my
skin.
I see it more and more every day.
the way I think about people, old thoughts coming to mind.
how easy it could be to drink from them.
how easy it is to gather them like a herd of cattle ready for the slaughter.
maybe I should be myself again.
allowing the cold to over come my inside’s.
I feel it even now.
I can’t get warm unless I’m being held by someone who I have some sort of love for, Or I care for.
I don’t want to go dark again but I miss it.
like they say.
“that which was, is, and always will be.
the same no matter how much they change the outside.”

-Darkstar

untittled

2004-12-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

Look into your burning soul, deep within your self.
Finding the still quiet of it all.
The calm before the storm.
The waters change from blue to black.
The blue of the sky turning gray with the darkening storm.
The crashing of the waves.
The thunder making the earth shake.
The darkest part of your self being unleashed.
Let it all go, all that you hold dear.
Find your place amongst my darkness.
Light finding no shelter.
Darkness envelops the land like a shroud.
Who are you?
-Dark star

2004-12-14T08:31:00.000-08:00

LOST BUT SEEN
NOT MENT TO BE
COMING FORTH HAUNTING ME
SEE ME FOR WHAT I AM
LOSSING MY SELF IN YOUR EYE’S
HIDDING YOUR SELF FROM ME
KEEPING EVERYTHING CLOSE IN MIND
FINDING WHY IT IS THE WAY IT MUST BE
PLEASE JUST LET ME FREE
LETTING GO WHATS NEVER BEEN KNOWN
WITH OUT INSULT TO INJURY
I MUST BE ME
LETTING YOU COMPLETELY IN

HIDDING IN THE SHADOW OF YOUR SOUL A PART UNKNOWN LET IT OUT SAY WHAT YOU WANT YOU CANT HURT WHATS NOT THERE OPEN THE BOX LET ME SEE IN

FALLING AWAY
LOST IN NOTHINGNESS
FINDING MY SELF IN THE ARMS OF MY LOVE
CLOSED DOWN TO ME FOR THE TIME
I CANT SEE WHATS NOT THERE
PICTURES INSTEAD
OF WHAT COULD
IS ALL THAT’S HERE

DARK RIPE NEW SENT FILLING THE AIR YOUR MOUTH ON MINE
YOUR EYE’S CLOSE MY HEART STOPS
WE EMBRACE ME FEELING EVERY PART OF YOU BODY MIND AND SOUL
LETTING YOU IN
MY HEART NO LONGER CLOSED
PULLING BACK AFRIAD OF THE UNKNOWN
CLOSED AND SEALED
YOU INSIDE NEVER TO ESCAPE

LOOKING THROUGH THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN
I SEE THE SUN
BEING HELD UNDER
NO AIR
A GREAT WEIGHT ON MY BODY
PUSHING ME DOWN

-Darkstar

pleasure

2004-12-14T08:30:00.000-08:00

Embraced my arms around your body
My lips pressed against your neck
A flick of my tongue against the warmth of your body
A gasp
A wince
Your eye’s close
My teeth barred down
Your body tightens around mine
I pull back to see your eye’s
And I’m met by two silver moons
That pierce through me
Melting every part of my soul
Feeling temptation
I touch the sides of your shirt
To help you strip off your cloths
one layer at a time
Feeling skin on skin I shudder
A new warmth envelops my body one never felt before

-Darkstar

untitled

2004-12-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this is what love is suppose to feel like
Can’t wait to touch your skin and talk to you as I
Look in your eye’s and see something so beautiful
That I’ll need to sit down out of fear of falling in to
Your gaze with out ever being able to get back up
I’ve missed holding you in my arms
Late at night
Laughing so close together
Touching your lips
Feeling your hole being holding me together
Smiling at the thought of our lips touching
Looking into your eye’s
Touching my soul
Falling in to complete and total ecstasy
Knowing only your touch your skin your voice
Calling me from so far away
Yet so close am I
That I smell you everywhere on me
Yet no where to be seen

-Darkstar

inspiration

2004-12-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

so i'm just sitting here bored out of my fucking mind k. i can swear now i'm happy i thought you couldnt untill my wife explained it to me see what did i tell you she's such a genius.
but anyways i was sitting here and couldnt sleep. so i got on started playing some games started to listen to korn and the next thing i know my mind is racing and i started getting all these ideas about what i want out of life how i want to use my time and realized my biggest inspiration in my life has been korn. since i was young korn since they have come out has actualy stoped me from commiting suicide on more then one occasion with there music its taken me out of my depressed angered states made me feel something else for just a split second a second that actualy makes me wake up and actualy relize what the hell i'm about to do. from the lryical content to the way the music just flows from there finger tips the beuty which is korn moves me so much and people just dont hear it nor can they feel it well i guess i shouldnt lump everyone together i'm pretty shure there's a few others out there. if i had to actualy compare my self with any song ever made thats best described me it would be the song trash. every word in there was me from the time i was 14-18 four years and thats who i was i dont know maybe i'm just being stupid but i just want to say THANK YOU JONETHAN DAVIS with out you and the beuty you truly inspire i would be dead today as stupid as that might sound its true you have truely changed my life in more ways then one and helped me find out who i was as a person.

bored again

2004-12-12T01:20:00.000-08:00

so i work grave yard's at a call center doing what even half the time i dont know. its 1:22 am mt time and no calls are comming in and we have some pretty cool bosses here so we get to surf and play games all night after midnight yea thats right i get paid 8.25 an hour to go play games and awnser a phone once every hour after midnight smiles.

my only prob is the people who you get these calls from holy crap you know i thought i was slow to be nice but damn i always thought it was a joke that there where really really stupid people out there. sorry not stupid "techniqly challanged" is what we are suposed to call them here.
shakes head. how hard is it to put a cd in and click install.
or type the letters cmd or to remember to press enter when it says boot from cd after you've told someone ten times that its really important to do so.
and then they let the screan go by and say oh i didnt know sometimes.
i just want to reach over the phone slap them or say ok mame or sir what ever the case may be. go into windows go to run type in regedit in the run line.
ya now that you'r here all you have to do to solve all your problems is erase everything here and put the number zero and then save it and that'll fix everything click.
oooo i swear i ever get fired here!!! damn skippy!!!
thats all i'm going to say but other then that its deal able not that i would ever kill anyones pc like that.. looks around... ya thats right..
i'm just saying next time you have to call tech support be nice to them they deal with stupid people all day long just listen dont do anything that they dont tell you to and we'll all get along fine..

Look ma I'm a genius

2004-12-11T23:11:00.000-08:00

So yea I just got through taking a online IQ test I'm gifted my test score was 121 smiles
I'm so good so yeah my wife took it before me she got 136. Sniff sniff. So now its a proven when she says she knows what she's talking about its true and she'll never let me live it down.
crys uncontrollably..

so like I'm one of those type's of people who love to take tests so the best test I took was what level of hell do you belong to smiles I belong to every single last one but the gluttony one.
smiles. Try it out you'll love it...

so yea other then that not much to say other then yea xmas is coming up my fav holiday of the year.. I think I'm going to yank now... Shakes head. That's what I get for being raised a jahovahs wittiness I guess hate all the holidays realize that I actual have a brain and can make my own decisions for my self and then hate the most favored holiday of the year something I guess really never do change...

well check ya latter

opionion i think not

2004-12-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

so i was watching the news today and i found out at the Pantera concert this guy goes all nuts he shoots the lead guitarist of the band... dude if you didnt like the music all you had to do was not go thats it just dont go..
shakes head... honestly i'm so sick of these people who just cant let things go so they go out and they have to kill someone..

prime example Columbine Massacre there where six people there, no i refuse to use the word kids.
anyone that can pick up a gun and decide to use it on someone is no longer a kid they just entered the big leagues.
and on the reporting on it the reasons why they did it was becuase they where being bullied and no one would be nice to them so they go kill a few people then themselves yea that really solves the issue..
you know i dont know anyone that something hasn't happend to them in school. wheather people are nice or not and yes i'm really holding back on a few choice phrases i really want to use here.
doesnt mean you go out and kill someone.
there's other reason's really good ones to go do something stupid like that and no i do not condone any such action for any such reason unless survivel is comming into play here.. but other then that no..

back on the hole pantera thing honestly you dont like someone or something doesnt mean you go kill it
all though it seems to be the american way look at history prime example if i can use a qoute from Eddie Izzard "hittler killed his own people and we where sorta all fine with that. oh kill your own people go ahead we've been trying to kill you for ages. then hittler started killing people next door.. ohhh stupid man... after a few years we're not going to stand for that now are we boys.."
look at whats happend or i guess i should say is happening to the native american indian tribes or should i say tribe really. to use a qoute from from Chris Rock "when was the last time you saw native american family chillin at a red lobster you aint never seen a native american family chillin at a red lobster cause there all dead
i went to the massies thanksgiving day perade and there where two real indians and the rest where all a bunch of puertoricans that aint pocahontas thats Jenifer Lopez aint no one have it harder then the american indian."

ok some of that was add libed from memorie and yes i know i can't spell and my grammer sucks i so need a grammer spell checker oh yea baby then i'd make bank. lol... but like the title says opionion i think not
its all the truth at least my truth.. if people could just stop and think for ten seconds everytime before they did any type of action like breath not all people just most we wouldnt have as much bs as we do to day. could just be opionion but i think not i think its the truth and thats just the way it is and dont get me wrong i'm no saint and i'm not the smartest person in the group but people just need to grow up and learn from kidnergarten cause this is what this all stems from someone wasnt paying attention becuse they where eating the past yea you know your one of'em. "but hey its ok they have groups for that now.." and wasnt paying attention to todays lesson keep hands feet and other objects to your self oh and the golden rule that should be instillied in a child from birth do unto others as you would have then do unto you.. but hey what do i know i'm just a high school drop out with a g.e.d with a mediocure job..shrugs... but you never know i could be right on this one

waking up

2004-12-09T06:22:00.000-08:00

slow nothing but silence
a quite dark not found except for those who dream of creation
the light flickers on quick
my eyes shut my body feeding off of the warmth given by the light
bright reds and pinks the only thing i see
blinding a searing pain everytime shadows fall across my face
the pain eases finaly a breath drawn deep within
nothing to feel but the peace with in.

A little tinged

2004-12-09T05:57:00.000-08:00

so i started writting k and it started to sound just like I wanted it well I didnt save as a draft right clicked the wrong thing bam its all gone funny how things end up like that one second there there the next there not story of almost eveyone i know's life mine included i think everyone has lost something insome way some more then other's me personaly i havent lost i dont try and think of it that way anyway i like to think what was is and shall never be again all in that order at least seems to be with me i'm going to start filling this thing with storys and peoms as many as i can anyways some nights there will be more then other's of coarse and other times there'll be nothing at all i guess thats just the way it goes i've never really used one of these so yea i'm along time reader first time wrighter i guess you could say no pun intended maybe some of you will like what i'll write some of you might even agree with it other's might even hate me for it but one thing is for shure the ones that actualy do read it i dont think will ever forget it hope you like and if you dont say something i love critisim its the best part of being me i just cant seem to get enough of it yea