Friday, May 05, 2006

holy shit he's on

so after a god damned long time i'm writing again... no internet go fig... so i was checking all my comments because its been so long and holy shit are people fucking psyco skitz no she has her issue's and even though shit's gone bad there one day we might even be able to be friends again we both just hurt each other so much getting divorced before anything worse happend was the best thing for both of us and i think she's happier for it now but then again what the fuck would i know i haven't talked to her in months... but i wish her the best... but everyone else except ancient wings holy shit... look if you can't fucking come out and say who you are and hide in the dark your words will never mean shit and they just make me laugh. yes i know i hurt her she hurt me. shit happens i hope one day my x-wife will forgive me for my transgretions when she's able to and one day i hope i'll be able to do that for her right now i'm pretending like it never happend... and that's all there is to it... whats new... hmmmm...

well i was in a relationship for like a few months there i so fucked that one up.. but shit happens me and the chick are still friends and that's cool we just didn't work as a couple but she was an awesome fuck...

right now i'm with my roommates oldest sister k back story my roommate harr is the oldest of 8 children and there's only two boys in that "little" family the rest are all girls god help them all.. smiles... this started about two months ago... after me and my last girl friend broke up after the divorce. ok so here we go... so i had come home from my friend seans place i'd spent the week looking for work and had gotten the job at discover card and would start in april so i came home completly fucking happy. because i just scored a job with benifits from day one in training and making 11 dollars an hour plus commission you can't beat that well i can't fuck you.. anyways.. i get home his oldest sister shirley comes over to spend weekends at his place she's tweenty three an awesome chick to hang out with none jugemental fun to talk to cool as hell. over all a real good friend. she comes over to spend the weekends with my self harr daniel and jason. harr daniel jason been friends for ever dan and harr have known each other for 11 years there like bro's well 6 years ago dan and shirley dated only lasted two weeks but she came up to him at the end of that and told him hey look i think we just make better friends i just don't have those type's of feelings for you. and then his younger brother russell and shirley ended up getting together. shit happens well of coarse shit goes bad between rus and shirley and dan ends up hatting his brother because dan is madly in love with her. that ended up going to blows after like four years of built up bullshit. well for the last 6 years every year dan asks her will you go out with me and ever year she tells him no i just want to be friends i see you as a brother. and this continues and continues now to the present.

so that weekend i get back home she over there we're all just goofing off and its almost sunday well me harr and shirley end up watching a movie together harr goes to bed me and shirley are on the floor i pass out and then i guess she passed out next to me i wake up the next day kinda confused becuase i just woke up with shirley but i shrug it off.. well i notice that dan isn't his normal happy go lucky self he seems kinda pissed. so me and him end up talking and he tells me well when i saw you to together i wasn't pissed off at you or her i was pissed off it wasn't me. understandable he loves her. well it didn't mean anything to me we just fell asleep. she goes home well that monday or tuesday me and harr pick her up for work. and she's looking kinda sad we get back to her place and walk in harr goes to talk to there mom she goes down to her room and i follow her down we get into her room and i ask her hey are you ok is there something wrong. well she confides in me that this is her last weekend off she wants to spend it with her family at my place and well she can't becuase its dan's weekend off from her to get his head straght well you know i tell her look your harr's sister my friend jason's friend and sis and dans best friend if you talk to him he'll say its ok she tells me she can't do that becuase that's taking to much and he needs time on his own away from her so i'm all ok. and i leave the next day trying to be a good friend i talk to dan about it tell him whats going on so on and so forth and basicly tell him what to say. full intentions on getting them together becuase there great when there together they honestly are if you just saw them together you would honestly think they where married or some type of couple. anyways he picks her up thursday and tells her on friday he's going to kidnap her after work becuase its her last weekend off he's happy she's happy. friday rolls around he goes to pick her up i wanted to get out of the house he tells me to come with i go with we pick her up go get her cloths go to the store by food for the weekend go home he goes to bed he'd been working all day me and her stay up watching movies all night i pass out about six on the floor she ended up passing out too. next day wake up dan's in his room playing games pissed i'm freaking out cause that's twice now i'm freaking out cause of how bad it looks. so i go into his room and i ask hey man you ok he tells me no not really so i tell him hey look lets go to a movie just me and you we'll get out and have some fun fuck everyone else he tells me no so i tell him i wasn't asking we're going to a movie simple as that well nine rolls around we go see the last showing of chicken little we get out we bull shit he's feeling better i'm feeling better everything's cool we bull shit as we go home we get home and there's only one other person at the house shirley so its me shirley and dan and kinda just standing there she's over by the couch talking to me i'm talking with dan trying not to look at her keep my eye's on dan keeping her in my perifieals and finaly to brake the ice tell dan dude lets watch a movie he says yea why not they sit up on the couch dan puts in hitchhikers guide i grab my blanket lay down on the floor by my self and fall asleep with dan and shirley on the couch yes free and clear nothing can happen becuase i went to bed by my self leaving the two of them alone. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee wrong. i wake up the next morning my one hand in her pants the other hand in her shirt snuggled up to her. going what the fuck. compelty freaked out trying to figure out how the fuck everything happend i look up dan's in his room door shut he's playing video games and i can feel the tension in the house mounting already. so i get up grab jasons car keys tell him i'm going to go get a coke he says cool me and i wake her up to come with me we get out to the car and i ask her what the fuck. she tells me well i wanted to sleep with you again i like how you cuddle with me. (slaps self in head. with a baseball bat repeaditly) why i asked. and she can say is i don't know. so we pull up to the gas station i look at her and tell her. look your a great fucking person your awesome to hang out with and if it wasn't for a few things i proably would date you. she tells me ok what things. (sighs and hits him self again) well first off your brother harr. not that big of a proablem but i'd have to ask his permission and only if it was ok with him would i be able to. she says ok while smiling. next not that it is a proablem and i commend you for it becuase its so hard to find one of your kind these day's your a virgian and i'm a nympho the two don't mix one of two things would happen if we got together i'd end up fucking you. but becuase i know your waiting for marriage which is fucking awesome. i'm not getting married again and if i do it'll be after ten stright years with one person with no off and on bull shit five years where me and the person live in different places and then five years living together then after that if shit's still good we'll get married me and the person. so i'd have to be aloud to fuck other people and that's not fair in a relationship where the other person wont fuck another person so that's another reason why it wouldn't work. and she says ok and smiles.(slaps self again) and third dan he's my friend and i don't want to hurt him. and right as i say that she sighs. so i say what. its his own fault i've told him repitaldy for the last six years i don't see him that way but he just doesnt get it i don't want him and i like you so why can't i be with you.. (brakes out his knife and begains to slit own wrists and this point) look i understand that so before anything could happend he'd have to be over compelty... she sighs and says thats not fucking fair (mind you shirley isn't the swearing type) he shouldn't have any say in who i'm with i want you i don't know why i want you but i do you make me laugh and feel good about my self and i like that about you.. so why can't we at least try.. so i tell her look i have to talk to a friend and get there opinion and find out what they say she's the only one that owuld know how to handle this sitiuation . so i get home i call up ma petite ange de sang and she come's over in ten minutes we go out we talk and she tells me walk away if you don't want everyone to get hurt becuase that's whats going to happen..

part two next time i get on i'm so fucking tired i haven't slept in two days and i'm out of belladonna. so yea...

Monday, June 27, 2005

nothing going on anymore

so right now completly unemotion go figure like anything's really changed for me to be me i'm just going to need to set back and let things happen however the people around me want them to happen but while that is happening i'm going to get another job going to get more pay going to get more hours going to do what i need to. to do what it is i need to do take care of me more money = happier life in the long run won't be easy at first but hey what ever happens happens and if the people around me can't tell i'm doing this for them then tough shit in support it or get out of the way but it would be nice to be supported instead of questioned all the time that would be a change although questioning doesnt bother me its when its over almost everything i do and after wards ends up you lied to me i just don't give a fuck anymore is anything really worth two peoples pain so deep it's not really funny go figure

so i'm sick of seeing all the shit happen and hit the fan 24/7 its annoying as hell especaily whens its about me voicing my opionion or the other person voicing there's i'm so sick and tired right now i'm sick becuase i'm depressed and have nothing to call my own or is it call ours what ever her's mine not really ours we can't even have a checking account together becuase it's more convienient that way what the fuck shakes head no more bitching just makes me feel not trusted so how can i trust someone i don't feel trusts me simple i can't not with those things anyway so i'll take care of my shit she can take care of her's because apparently that's the way she wants it got to go find the bill's now like i have a clue where there at

time to go to bed and sleep away the day if not get my job one or the other probaly the job and if i get hired today i can put in my two weeks and get the fuck out of the shit hole i'm in now i've gained at least 10lbs while sitting on my ass at this fucking place

Saturday, June 11, 2005

stabbing pain

I woke up today completly depressed and don't know why its been awhile sense this has happend and I don't know why the only way i can explain it is through two songs

Every thing I touch I brake
by stabbing westward

The more I feel
The more I die
Nothing to give
Nothing inside
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
I scratch and tear
Until it bleeds
I do not want
I only need
I only need
I only need
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
Everything I touch I break
How can I hold on (dog attack)
Back when you were my life
You gave me something that I could live for
Now everything’s changed
And you’re gone
But I’m still here waiting

I don't belive
by stabing westward

I'm such an asshole
I'm such a stain
I just keep fucking up again and again
You crawled inside my mind when you
crawled into my bed
Said eveything I've ever longed to hear
So perfect, so alive, once inside you
sucked me dry
used me up and left me here for dead
I crave it desparately, a cancer eating me
An addiction to intense to be denied
Worthless, I'm a whore, crawling back for more
Pathetic how i feed off this abuse
You told me that you loved me
I believed you loved me
You swore that you loved me
And I believed, now I know it was a lie
I don't believe
I don't believe
That I could be so stupid so naive
I don't believe
I don't believe
That there is nothing, nothing
left for me

I don't know why I feel this way all the sudden it really doesnt make sense with me at all I mean I feel happy but I know I'm depressed I can feel it. All I want to do right now is sit down get my bottle of vodka and drink and talk with someone that sounds so good right now and I don't know why

All I feel right now is a great darkness wieghing down on me
a feeling of pain long forgoten of remorse and sadness
an awakening of dispear
bitterness driving me insain
lonely growing cold nothing behind the mirror
a soul striped of all even what it is
noone knows what it truely means to feel cold
where's the heat of pleaseure
the hight of sensation
the tension of skin careasing the utmost fantasy of warmth
I must find my self again

Thursday, May 12, 2005

What's The Point

All the Wife and I do now is Fight Sleep and have Sex yea thats a great relationship shure the Sex is great and all and the Sleeping is nice too but it's normaly in that order Once in awhile we like to change it up but thats about it we're trying to get into marriage counselling for alot of issue for example my wife's ability to blow the smallest thing out of proportion then turn it in to WW3 at a drop of a hate with all the anger and hostilness to boot and i'm lack of attention span
i dont like the fact that i feel she treats me like i child and when i say something about it she blames everything on me when i'm not trying to blame anything just trying to talk about it but in her mind i'm saying everything is her fault when she's the one that gets verbly violent and when we try to talk about something inportant to me she's all the sudden forgot about it but if its important to her god for bid i should ever do such a thing the fact that she calls her car her's not our's when we both take care of what ever we can on payments to take care of each other not one or the other so these are the things i feel should stop i'll start with my self

list for david more attentive to detail able to be more understanding of
someones emotions even if they
dont make sense able to realizize what the word no means able to be more there for her yet at the same time
still have time for my self as well
5.being able to relize my limits before it
gets to the point of yelling able to voice what i feel is true
yet still be able to listen to the other sides
opinon on the matter and even if i disagree
with it not to tell her she's wrong
i think that really covers the things i notice about my self an the things i've been working on after noticing them

misty's list
1.the mood swings i under stand she's bi-polor and she's going to have them
i'm bi-polor and i have them but there has to be away to control the angery one's
becuase when you get that way i dont want anything to do with you becuase
you really do treat me and everyone around you like shit
unless you know there's someone around that you cant get away with it i've noticed
2.your nagging over the tinnest thing yes i realize it drives you nuts but if its so bad if you notice that i'm on the run going to work or doing something esle you do it i'm not saying you have to or anything like that just stop bringing it up and if you do start doing that i'll start making sure the ketchen is in better shape
3.the term mine/your's has to stop there is no more mine and yours its ours when you are married everything is shared when you say i'm sorry no thats mine your really being a controling bitch with an attitude and trying to get back at the person for something normaly namly me it really is fucking annoy but you have been really getting a good hang on this one thank you so much in all actualality it makes me feel like i have nothing and my response to that is well if i have nothing why should my money go to nothing you might find that fucked up but i find the words mine and yours fucked up
4.if i was going to fuck someone else i would of done it while you where treating me like shit
i have no reason to have sex with someone else i love you and i wouldnt hurt you like that
5.your low self esteem i'm with you becuase i love you and your beutiful
6.i cant think of anything for this one yet but this is what i've come up with so farif you see this and get angry and it really pisses you off its time to end the relationship but if you see this and think and say ok and even if it does piss you off and you dont understand it try to there's nothing wrong with that but i'm sick of the arguemtns and i'm sick of feeling like shit becuase i cant say something because it's going to piss you off and i'm sick of feeling like i have to walk on egg shells half the time and god forbid anyone else dies that you know i dont think our relationship could take it i really dont but i also think that if we start working on the shit i was talking about in the above lists i think we'll be fine i love you so much and i really want this to work but its going to take both of us and its going to be hard work esspecaly when we really dont get to see each other at all
but i know shit will work out if we both try but its up to you

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

the way i've been feeling for the most of my life all in songs

Good morning day. Sorry I'm not there.But all my favourite friends,Vanished in the air. It's hard to fly when you can't even run. Once I had the world, but now I've got no one. If I needed someone to control me. If I needed someone to hold me down. I would change my direction. And save myself before I drown drown.Good morning day Sorry you're not here. All those times before. We're never this unclear. It's hard to walk when you can't even crawl. Once I had this world, but now I've lost it all.

I'll be coming home. Just to be alone. Cause I know you're not there. And I know that you don't care. I can hardly wait to leave this place. No matter how hard I try. You're never satisfied. This is not a home. I think I'm better off alone. You always disappear. Even when you're here. This is not my home. I think I'm better off alone. By the time you come home. I'm already stoned. You turn off the TV. And you scream at me. I can hardly wait. Till you get off my case. No matter how hard I try. You're never satisfied.

Trust meThere's no need to fear. Everyone's here. Waiting for you to finally be one of us. Come down. You may be full of fear. But you'll be safe here. When you finally trust me. Finally believe in me. I will let you down.

Worn out and faded. The weakness starts to show. They?ve created the generation. That we know. Washed up and hated The system moves to slow. They give us answers, To questions they don?t even know. You made itYou played itYour shit is overrated. You made it. You played it. Your shit is overrated. Used up and jaded. You're thinking way to slow. So we're creating. Answers on our own. We can't relateTo what you think you know. you createThe problems that will never Go away.

Now it seems I'm fading All my dreams are not worth saving. I've done my share of waiting. And I've still got nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way. Seems you're wanting me to stay. But my dreams would surely waste away. And I still have nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way. Now it seems you're leaving. But we've only just begun. And you've still got nowhere else to go. So I wait for you toTake me all the way.


My mouth was a crib and it was growing lies. I didn't know what love was on that day. my heart's a tiny bloodclotI picked at it. it never heals it never goes away. This was never my world you took the angel away. I'd kill myself to make everybody pay. This was never my world. you took the angel awayI'd kill myself to make everybody pay. I would have told her then. she was the only thing. that I could love in this dying world. but the simple word "love" itself. already died and went away.

Something is cold and blank behind her smile. She's standing on an overpass. In her miracle mile. "You were from a perfect world. A world that threw me away today. Today to run away". A pill to make you numb. A pill to make you dumb. A pill to make you anybody else. But all the drugs in this world. Won't save her from herself. Her mouth was an empty cut. And she was waiting to fall. Just bleeding like a polaroid that. Lost all her dolls. "You were from a perfect world. A world that threw me away today. Today to run away".


I'll behave Oh my God, make me beg, my God! Yes I'm ready for a good flogging baby (my God) (get down). Come on ream my ass for fun (get down/my God/get down). Don't let up till my ass is bleeding baby (my God) (get down). Don't let up until you are done (get down, on the ground)

Bottled Up Inside

It ain't fading Man I gotta let it outAm I crazy? Screaming nothing ever comes out. I keep feeling lost. I'll never find my way out. I'm not thanking them. Unless the truth can pour out

I should have known it from the start what I was in for. She break a tin full,she copied, we exchanged some info. Called her on the tele, conversations were simple,ain't playin' games, my game, retain the tempo. And things, no shame, two sparks turned into flames,Nimpho's in the park, just dancin' in the rain. Hook me with this fix, and look to drain my aim,Some never retain what wouldn't suck from your veins. You see this time, I cannot ever never love another, cunt. You'll drink as slow, love twice and you'll get fucked. You see this time, I cannot ever never love another, cuntYou'll drink as slow, love twice and you'll get fucked. She's the epitomy of sweet misery,The sweeter the stroke, the deeper the pain given. There's an angel, angle sex-driven. Dangerous sex kitten, warm as a mitten. Fittin' like a glove, with abstract relations,Testin' all my patience, push comes to shove. Emotional masturbation, fuckin' with my love,Fuckin' with my life, fuckin' all the above.

Laying by my precious Not long ago Hiding behind the shadows Of your broken soul Why is it always you want something you can never have? Why did you you try to tell me? How could you be this way. Your throat, I take grasp Can you feel the pain? Then your eyes roll back Can you feel the pain? Love racing through my veins Can't you feel the pain? Your heart stops beating Can't you feel the pain Black orgasms Can't you feel the pain I kiss your lifeless skin Can't you feel the pain. There you are my precious With your broken soul Rubbing my crotch, elated Taking control Why is it always You fuck up something you have always had Why'd you try to tell me How could you be so cold? Here I am, just a man Feeling the pain, gives me life Relieving us is my plan I'd do anything to see through your eyes. Just to see through your lies.

When I touch you... feeling your skinWhen I touch you... deep withinI'll break your silence on your way to meI will make you everything you want to beWhen I touch you...You know that you'll love it... you'll need it...For sure...I'm drawing your lines with my handsI'm weaving the dream that never endsI don't play hide and seek... with you... dearWhen I touch you...Aiming fingers searching secret pleasuresRoaming where your river seems so deepYou know I'm going onI like the song you'll sing... for meWhen I touch you...You know that you'll love it........And when tension's spilling down your skinLove will never be what she once wasWhen I touch you...

the watery light that mirrors in your desirable eyes the way you move your lipswhile talking to somebody else i move a little closer just to hear what you say you speak of loneliness but here's a soul adoring you it's a wounded heart it breaks in two and in it's pain it sings for you it's a wounded heart that feels afraid moves closer still fulfills its fate your freedom's poverty that you do not recognize the way you stalk the night while talking to somebody else i move a little closer just to know who you are a slightly glowing ember i'm the breeze igniting you your smile incredibly sweet that's what i cannot bear i seek the friendly water anything to sooth my desire you're moving out of my night and there will be no dawn all that could have been remains with me internally lost


Friday, March 18, 2005

The dawn that would never come

So I've been just sitting at work again bored out of my mind so I popped on some music on launch cast (no this isn't a free cheap pop for launch cast) and was listening to the portishead station and it brought back so many old memories that I really haven't thought about for a few years now and I've come to the realization that I was a very very very not nice person and that's really sugar coating it I've fucked so many people in my life I've cut people I used to hang out with all the time competly out of my life on more then one occasion I live my life like it's all one big dream its all just a daze for me every one (with a three exceptions and two of which I wished werent.) I've ever fucked I was the type of person that would go to a party ditch the people I came with go have sex with some chick I just barely met five minutes ago before she got drunk then after two hours of that tell her how bad she was and that I've had better walk out with a smile go find my friends and do it again not once ever feeling bad about it and I still don't. Don't get me wrong the only thing I feel bad about is not feeling anything once again noticing how much I think of me and no one else there's really a lot of that with me and being married its hard for me because I'm not used to thinking of two just one I'm always thinking about how I can better me and not us what's best for me and not the hole honestly if I could get a job for $13 an hour with or with out benefits and it was half way around the world damn right I would go which isn't really right but that's just me somethings never change I guess still thinking of my self as one not two there's so many things I want and don't know how to say it so I say nothing just like in arguments I don't argue why should I there's no point be the time the argument has started both sides have made up there minds so why say anything I personally like to agree with the other person one reason if you agree with the other person seeing there view it does two things one pisses them off because you don't care if there right and second keeps the damn thing from lasting more then ten minutes. Besides why argue doesn't solve anything yelling only makes things worse. So I either do or don't everything to me has always been black or white I either like you or you've pissed me off and don't get forgiven that's just it there is no forgiveness never has been or will be I've tried it too much and had it back fire my father my ex-fiancee you learn forgiveness isn't worth being hurt more then once being emotionally closed off and all you tend not to let people in as it is and when you do they fuck you over they might as well of just killed you would of hurt less so why fuck around I do try to be a very up front person but there's just some things I cant talk about but things I've learned about my self I no longer can actually hate anyone anymore there's no point I only have one life why hate a person cause they fucked me over now that doesn't mean I'm buddy buddy with a person if they fuck me I basically cut them out of everything now here's the issue I have I've noticed I've started doing that to my closest friends and they have done nothing to cause such an isolation from them why do I do it then that's whets been on my mind I just get so wrapped up in all my stupid little dilemma's that I just cant or wont (take your pick) call on them for moral or emotional support with my life for then I would be week and if that's the case whets the point I shouldn't be around them anyways who wants someone constantly haying them down but I've always been the type of person that takes care of everyone around me in one way or another its just the way I've always been and you don't fuck with that it'll cause world war 3 but as I was saying before I don't like someone it stays that way unless they can make a amends which that's something they have to figure out how to do its not something that can be explains but I will always give a person the benefit of the doused but only if they've shown they really would like me around besides if someone honestly bucks you why would you want to be around a person like that or if they don't like you why would you want to be around that either doesn't make sense to me so fuck them and anyone else that disagrees because that's just the way it is and always will be pray for the children I tell you prey for the children oh and ting love yah lots my new email add is and my old one is go fig drop me a line on one of those I've been trying to get hold of yah but your never on when I am but I did get to read your post so give me a buzz or something by maw all

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


A few days ago a ran into my ex-girlfriend who I haven't seen in almost a year someone I'm still very close to at heart even if we haven't seen each other in awhile we still know each other very well my life is so devoid of happiness yet noone knows at all nore do they care I help out when I can but that's it no one really needs me around all I really have any more are the most cherished memories on my mind which oddly enough is my sense of feeling the wind blowing on my skin the vibration of a whisper in my ear the soft voice of an angel I never see I miss a life that was never mine a life I'll never get another chance at like the song says "the sweetest price he'll have to pay the day the whole world went away."
all I have to say is if you really want me around ma petite just ask I'll always be there my love

your sweet prince
Anthony Dark-Star