The dawn that would never come

So I've been just sitting at work again bored out of my mind so I popped on some music on launch cast (no this isn't a free cheap pop for launch cast) and was listening to the portishead station and it brought back so many old memories that I really haven't thought about for a few years now and I've come to the realization that I was a very very very not nice person and that's really sugar coating it I've fucked so many people in my life I've cut people I used to hang out with all the time competly out of my life on more then one occasion I live my life like it's all one big dream its all just a daze for me every one (with a three exceptions and two of which I wished werent.) I've ever fucked I was the type of person that would go to a party ditch the people I came with go have sex with some chick I just barely met five minutes ago before she got drunk then after two hours of that tell her how bad she was and that I've had better walk out with a smile go find my friends and do it again not once ever feeling bad about it and I still don't. Don't get me wrong the only thing I feel bad about is not feeling anything once again noticing how much I think of me and no one else there's really a lot of that with me and being married its hard for me because I'm not used to thinking of two just one I'm always thinking about how I can better me and not us what's best for me and not the hole honestly if I could get a job for $13 an hour with or with out benefits and it was half way around the world damn right I would go which isn't really right but that's just me somethings never change I guess still thinking of my self as one not two there's so many things I want and don't know how to say it so I say nothing just like in arguments I don't argue why should I there's no point be the time the argument has started both sides have made up there minds so why say anything I personally like to agree with the other person one reason if you agree with the other person seeing there view it does two things one pisses them off because you don't care if there right and second keeps the damn thing from lasting more then ten minutes. Besides why argue doesn't solve anything yelling only makes things worse. So I either do or don't everything to me has always been black or white I either like you or you've pissed me off and don't get forgiven that's just it there is no forgiveness never has been or will be I've tried it too much and had it back fire my father my ex-fiancee you learn forgiveness isn't worth being hurt more then once being emotionally closed off and all you tend not to let people in as it is and when you do they fuck you over they might as well of just killed you would of hurt less so why fuck around I do try to be a very up front person but there's just some things I cant talk about but things I've learned about my self I no longer can actually hate anyone anymore there's no point I only have one life why hate a person cause they fucked me over now that doesn't mean I'm buddy buddy with a person if they fuck me I basically cut them out of everything now here's the issue I have I've noticed I've started doing that to my closest friends and they have done nothing to cause such an isolation from them why do I do it then that's whets been on my mind I just get so wrapped up in all my stupid little dilemma's that I just cant or wont (take your pick) call on them for moral or emotional support with my life for then I would be week and if that's the case whets the point I shouldn't be around them anyways who wants someone constantly haying them down but I've always been the type of person that takes care of everyone around me in one way or another its just the way I've always been and you don't fuck with that it'll cause world war 3 but as I was saying before I don't like someone it stays that way unless they can make a amends which that's something they have to figure out how to do its not something that can be explains but I will always give a person the benefit of the doused but only if they've shown they really would like me around besides if someone honestly bucks you why would you want to be around a person like that or if they don't like you why would you want to be around that either doesn't make sense to me so fuck them and anyone else that disagrees because that's just the way it is and always will be pray for the children I tell you prey for the children oh and ting love yah lots my new email add is jeanclude2@gmail.com and my old one is jeanclude2@yahoo.com go fig drop me a line on one of those I've been trying to get hold of yah but your never on when I am but I did get to read your post so give me a buzz or something by maw all